New Year’s Resolutions 2012: A List of New Year’s Resolutions by Jenny Jaffe, age 21
1. Get A Better Body: I’m not just talking about getting more muscle tone; I want to be taller, too.
2. Invent A Machine With Which To Make Myself Taller: If one already exists than ignore this, but if not, learn something about engineering and then do this one.
3. Stop Being So Lazy and Invent That Stretching Machine Already: Procrastination makes an ass out of pro and tination.
4. Cross Out Numbers 2&3 And Pretend That They Were Never Goals In The First Place.
5. Get Another Person’s Body That Is Better And Switch Places With Them: This will be easier than making the stretching machine.
6. Quit Smoking: This may be difficult because I don’t smoke. So—
7. Start Smoking: And then—
8. See #6.
9. Make New Friends: Out of Play Doh.
10. Stop Being So Self-Loathing: You insufferable piece of shit.
11. Be More Assertive
12. Look Up What “Assertive” Means
13. Don’t Be Charles Barkley
And that’s all.
